GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13. The best place to be when you're sad is grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jell-o to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
6. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
7. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
11. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12. Just whn I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they usually can be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
TWO MAJOR FOOD GROUPS:
A. Anything you can put cheese on.
B. Everything else you can put chocolate on.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.