splitbeak (splitbeak) wrote,
splitbeak
splitbeak

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From the "Duh! The Dumbest Things Ever Said or Done" Calendar

I've had virtually no time to post anything this semester............. so there's a lot of them!


The Santa Society's Rude Awakening Prize

When Shirley Temple was a child movie star, she was the most adored kid in America. Years later, she explained how a star can be too admired for their own good. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus at an early age," she said. "Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked me for my autograph."


No-Brainer

It was a long flight on an economy airline, so the businessman was happy when the flight attendant asked if he'd like dinner. "Great," he said, "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she replied.


They Never Saw It Coming

There are floods and there are suds, but very few floods of suds. Then in 1814, nine people in London drowned in beer when a brewery spilled 3500 barrels, flooding nearby houses with suds.


Ask a Dumb Question

When is a queen a king? You'd be surprised. After King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden died in 1632, his daughter Christina took the throne. But she was not crowned queen. According to Swedish custom, only a king's wife was called a queen. So Christina was crowned King Christina.


Original Thinking

Writer A. Whitney Brown: "I became a vegetarian not so much because I love animals but because I hate plants."


Popped Culture

Three non-political candidates who couldn't have been any worse than the politicians they ran against:
1) Comedian Gracie Allen, of Burns and Allen fame, ran for president in 1940 as the candidate from the Surprise Party.
2) Folksinger U. Utah Phillips ran for president on the Sloth and Indolence ticket.
3) TV comic Pat Paulsen ran for president in 1968 from the Straight Talking American Government Party. His campaign promise: "I know what the average American wants. In fact, I'd like to get a little of it myself."


Ask a Dumb Question

If you're worried about the negative effects of pollution on out environmnet, look at it with a clear eye- like the California resident who was asked by a reporter whether Lake Tahoe was still polluted. "No pollution," the proud resident said. "It's so clear you can see a beer can forty feet down."


Words of Wisdumb

You know that famous saying: people who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it? It's even worse for people who *do* learn from the past. They're condemned to be driven nuts by having to live in the same world with the idiots who refuse to learn from the past.



Outsmarting the Opposition

Charles Seymour, the 18th Century Duke of Somerset, dreaded staying at inns on his frequent journeys from his country house to London because the innkeepers did not come up to his standards of cleanliness. To solve his dilemma, the Duke had houses built along the road one-day's distance apart all the way to London.


Words of Wisdumb

Three signs that Republicans really do care about poor people:
1) A proposal to raise the minimum wage for poor people to $5, as long as it's understood that's also the maximum wage.
2) A protest march, where Republicans have their chauffeurs circle the block while they wave designer picket signs out the moon roof.
3) A bill to prevent destruction of our natural resources, unless it can be done at night or while they're away on vacation.


They Never Saw It Coming

When talking about the toughest mavericks of the Old West, you might recall the legends of Billy the Kid, Wild Bill Hickok, and, of course, the millipedes. In the late 1800s the millipede population in the West suddenly surged. By the thousands, they swarmed over railroad tracks and were crushed under the iron wheels of progress. But millipede slime grew so thick on the tracks they derailed trains. Until the millipedes crawled off into the sunset, the rails had to be covered with sand so the train wheels could maintain traction and prevent disaster.


Military Unintelligence

During the War of 1812, British warships saied by the town of St. Michels, Maryland, at night. Spotting the town's lights, the British ships fired their cannons and blasted the town into darkness. Then the ships sailed on. What the British commanders didn't know was that the townsmen of St. Michels had hung their lanterns high in the trees, then darkened their houses below. When the British fleet attacked in the dark, the ships' cannons hit the tops of trees, and the town was spared.


Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

French admirers of Gioacchino Rossini raised money to erect a statue of the composer. Rossini was shocked to learn that the statue would cost them ten million francs. He had a better idea. "For five million," he offered, "I'll stand on the pedestal myself."


Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Before James Hill became a railroad tycoon, he worked on the docks in Canada, where he was known for being tight with money. One night he ate dinner in a restaurant with two dozen other dockworkers. When the bill came, Hill asked the other men if they would tip the waitress whatever he tipped her. They agreed because he was the cheapest tipper among them. The men were shocked when Hill gave the waitress $20, but they felt honor-bound to match it. It was Hill's clever idea of a wedding present, his friends found out a week later, when Hill and the waitress got married.


The Business of Stupidity

Today's dangerous drug may become tomorrow's hot product. That's what happened to margarine, which was considered a drug when it was invented. In the early 1900s stores needed a license to sell it. In Germany if you wanted to buy margarine instead of butter, you had to enter the grocery store through a separate door. The American dairy industry got laws passed requiring manufacturers to dye margarine pink so consumers wouldn't be fooled into thinking it was butter. Ironically, food coloring was often added to butter to turn it more golden than nature could manage.


The Business of Stupidity

Back in the 1920s, 7-Up wasn't sold as a soft drink, but as an anti-depressant. At the time, the soda contained lithium and was marketed with the slogan: "Take the ouch out of grouch."


Dumb Ways to Die

Defying death, an American daredevil named Bobby Leech rode a barrel over Niagara Falls in 1911. That stunt has killed plenty of daredevils. But Leech survived the drop, although he did break several bones. Leech cashed in on his successful stunt with a world lecture tout. At a stop in New Zealand, he slipped on a banana peel, banged his head on the pavement, and died.


Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

In the early 1900s the beauty parlor permanent became he fashion craze among society women. But the process was such an ordeal that women who couldn't afford one were luckier than the women who could. To get a permanent, the woman's hair was pasted into asbestos tubes and she had to sit still for ten hours while her head was steamed in an iron helmet.


Goverment by the Idiots

In a world where international enemies are increasingly well armed, diplomacy becomes ever more important. But as writer Wynn Catlin explained the strategy, "Diplomacy is the art of saying, 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock."


Popped Culture

When TV news anchors grow old, they'd better be men if they want to keep their jobs. Or as TV anchorwoman Connie Chung put it: "Men are allowed to be bald, fat, and ugly and still deliver the news. There are no bald, fat, and ugly women delivering the news."


Government by the Idiots

When ice cream became popular in the mid-1800s, government health officials warned consumers that ice cream would lower their body temperature and interfere with digestion. Their medical advice? Never eat ice cream after a meal.


Dumb Moves in the Face of Fate

In 1347 a Tartar army attacked the Italian colony of Caffa on the Black Sea, but the defenders held out against the siege. The Tartars catapulted the bodies of their own dead soldiers over the walls into the city. These soldiers had not died in battle, but been killed by an unknown disease. The Tartars finally took the city. But a few defenders escaped to Italy, carrying with them the disease they'd caught from the Tartar missiles- the Black Death that spread through Europe killing 20 million people.


Words of Wisdumb

In a democracy we get to choose the people who will make our lives miserable. In a dictatorship you have no choice of misery. You have to take whatever they throw your way. In a monarchy the people who choose who will make you miserable are chosen by divine right. Looks like God has no better luck choosing rulers than we do.
Tags: duh!, laughs, random facts
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