splitbeak (splitbeak) wrote,

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Found Some More Jokes

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this, his mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5000 Safe Driver Award. Congratualations. What do you think you're going to do with all that money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him-- he's a smartaleck when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a know from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A Red Sox fan, a Braves fan, a Rockies fan, and a Yankees fan were all climbing a mountain one day. They were talking about how loyal they are to their teams all the way up the mountain. When they got to the top, the Rockies fan says, "This is for the Rockies!" and he jumps. Then the Braves fan says, "This is for the Braves!" and he jumps. Now only the Red Sox fan and the Yankees fan are standing on the top of the mountain. The Yankees fan decides that it's his turn, so he says, "This is for the Yankees!" and pushes the Red Sox fan off the mountain.

Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks id she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.000"
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Tags: laughs
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